Children come into the world wired for connection. Children are whole-hearted and as such, believe they are worthy of love simply because they are. Unfortunately, many of us learn that love is conditional and based on "never __________ enough" messages from our parents, our family, and the worst culprit, the media. What would our adult intimate relationships look like if we were able to recapture our whole-heartedness? I help individuals and couples regain the confidence and courage to risk connecting with self and others from a whole-hearted place.
To idealize is to dehumanize
"To idealize is to dehumanize." In many ways, social media has done just that...dehumanized individuals and relationships. The "look at how wonderful my life is" platform of social media leaves many people struggling in silence. In a futile attempt to measure "down" to destructive and impossible standards, couples privatize their problems and hide behind a veneer of perfection and happiness. The force that maintains this facade is shame. The insulated couple wonders..."Are we the only ones wrestling with this?" or "What is wrong with us?" or "What would others think if they knew?" The unfortunate result is disconnection, isolation, and loneliness...both within couples and between couples. Secrecy and self-sufficiency trump honesty and interdependence. The antidote is vulnerability. Why? Because it takes courage and confidence to reveal oneself and be truly seen and known by another...and others. The path to connection requires risk and truth telling. We are human, and we are flawed...and we all struggle. If individuals and couples were more real with one another, we could use our struggles as vehicles for connection and growth...and love each other anyway.
Fighting is not only a normal part of relationships but also necessary
Fighting is not only a normal part of relationships but also necessary. Why? Because conflict represents each partner’s unique perspective as well as their wishes and needs. As such, conflict can be a vehicle for deepening a connection. What couples fight about is not as important as how they fight. If couples learn to fight better, they can repair inevitable hurts and create a climate of empathy. So why is conflict so challenging? One reason has to do with partners having differing perspectives. Anyone who has been in a relationship knows the frustration of two people having completely different experiences of the same situation. When this happens, partners frequently engage in “Reality Wars,” fighting more for their positions to be right than to be heard and understood. When tension starts mounting, partners stop listening and begin preparing their counter-attacks. In order to fight better, couples need to shift from reacting and blaming to reflecting and understanding. If they approach the conflict situation from a posture of curiosity, partners can learn to hear and validate each other’s position and still disagree. Understanding our partner’s reality requires the willingness to cross the bridge, set up camp, and visit their side of the relationship for a while.
THE 3 FUNDAMENTAL RELATIONSHIP TRUTHS
THROUGH MY OWN PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE, I HAVE COME TO REALIZE SEVERAL FUNDAMENTAL RELATIONAL TRUTHS.
“The quality of one’s life is determined by the quality of one’s relationships.” Therefore, learning the skills necessary to practice good mental health in our relationship with self and others is the most important investment we can make. Understanding the difference between being a trusted ally from being a worthy competitor is key to building healthy, thriving relationships and ultimately, a fulfilling life.
“We only have two choices in a relationship—the choice to connect or the choice to disconnect.” Partners either move toward or move away from each other. If it’s that simple, then how can it be so difficult? Moving from disconnection to connection requires information and intention. My goal for my clients is recognizing the destructive, controlling behaviors that are disconnecting them from their significant others and then replacing them with caring, cooperating behaviors that help them forge deeply satisfying, successful connections.
“To change a relationship and your life, change your self.” In other words, the best way to change your partner is to change yourself. I work with my clients to help them acquire the self-knowledge and skills necessary to make choices that will “grow themselves up” in their relationships. Believe it or not but many of us behave in ways that unknowingly perpetuate the very problems we want eliminated! Gaining self-awareness and taking action allows us to let go of the ways that no longer serve us or our relationships.
No matter how troubled, your relationship can be improved. My clients come to understand that they must take action if they sincerely desire change. The most strained relationships can succeed if at least one partner commits to making small changes in their behavior over time. If you want to see change in your relationship and your life, please contact me for a consultation session. I look forward to hearing from you and working with you to repair and reinvent your relationship.
A Case Study in Understanding the Meaning of Relational Conflict
Anyone who has been in a relationship knows one inescapable truth—conflict between partners is unavoidable. From minor irritations to chronic, significant fights, conflict is not only an inevitable part of being in a relationship but it is also perfectly normal. Unfortunately, many couples believe that the presence of conflict indicates that something is inherently wrong with their relationship and, perhaps even worse, that their relationship is doomed. Nothing could be further from the truth. Rather than signaling the end of a relationship, conflict can be a mechanism for growth and change as well as a way to get to know yourself and your partner better. What if your relational conflicts contained meaning and purpose that, if understood, could deepen your connection to one another?
For instance, Sophia and Jack, who have been married for several years, have a reoccurring conflict about how they manage money. Sophia gets angry and hurt because Jack doesn’t like to spend money on gifts for her. She thinks he is cheap and views his lack of gift-giving as a lack of love for her. Jack, on the other hand, thinks Sophia is frivolous with money and doesn’t appreciate how hard he works to provide for their family. Each time the subject comes up they defend their position and nothing ever gets resolved. They walk away from the fight feeling frustrated, hurt, and misunderstood.
So why can’t Sophia and Jack figure out how to solve this problem? Interestingly, most conflicts are not resolvable. Why? Because buried beneath the content of the conflict (i.e. money, sex, household responsibilities) lies each partner’s needs, wants, preferences, beliefs, dreams, and personalities, all of which shape how partners perceive and interpret the situation. Consequently, partners position themselves against one another, defending their “rightness” and fighting to defeat the other. Let’s take a closer look at Sophia and Jack’s situation.
Sophia and her two older sisters were raised by a single mother who was often away from home due to working several jobs to provide for her family. Needless to say, the family had limited means. In fact, Sophia distinctly remembers rarely, if ever, receiving new clothes or gifts for birthdays or holidays. Instead, she always got hand-me-downs from her older sisters. This left her feeling hurt and unloved.
Jack was an only child raised by an alcoholic father who was unable to hold down a job. Jack never knew if there would be food on the table or if the electricity and water would be working. He was eventually removed from his father and placed in foster care where he remained until he turned eighteen. When he left foster care, he immediately went to work, saving his earnings and swearing he would never end up like his father.
Fast forward to present time. For Sophia, receiving gifts means being loved not being frivolous with money. For Jack, buying gifts means spending money that is needed to provide for his family not being cheap. When Sophia and Jack are able to see beyond the content of the conflict and into its meaning for the other, they can relax their positions and empathize with one another. Does this mean that Sophia will get all the gifts she wants? Does this mean that Jack can save every penny he makes in order to ensure that he can provide for his family? No. But now they can move past gridlock and have a dialogue about the conflict in way that honors each person’s needs and wants.